Look at every path deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself and yourself alone one question....Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use. ~ Carlos Castaneda.It seems the time has come to choose how I will expend the rest of life. The hardest question I've always faced is, What do you want? I've always envied those who seem to know, for I did not, and still don't, it seems. However, I am gaining on an answer.
In 1999, having survived surgery, a life review discerned "I have not loved well." This review showed those achievements, pride of a lifetime, were of little consequence besides this pronouncement. It was not a judgment in the sense of assigning blame, just analysis of a life lived.
Whether that life was finished then or not was my choice, but the consequences of either outcome were clearly known. If I returned, I would have years of tribulation and aloneness; if I did not return, Mother would have a shortened lifetime and a daughter would have unresolved issues that I might otherwise help with. I chose life, but retained some comfort from the peace of death.
To buffer the coming years, I assumed the goal of becoming enlightened, though I had no real idea of what that meant. I remain unsure and have lightened intent of that achievement. It will come or not, as it will.
A second intent, assumed years later, was to experience a relationship with a significant other, to love and be loved, at least once this lifetime to love well. With lack of skill, I have felt the pain of failure since. But the failing and the pain do not discourage continuance of intent.
Now, that Mom has gone, with the responsibility of her hospice care well performed, I realize that was another step in this task to learn to love well. Now, I again seek a life's love so I might complete this life mission. I look forward to finally getting it right.
That, then, is the path I choose. Though I may perform less than I would desire, I do feel it a path well chosen. Tis a path with heart.
Was it only 10 years ago? Hard to believe. there's been a lot of water over the dam. Thankfully, the path chosen brought this blog to the world.
ReplyDeleteYour philosophical treatises are often way beyond my level, but your abstract thought is brain candy to me.
"To love and be loved," is what people have striven for since time began, I imagine. how many have actually gotten there? I suspect mostly those on TV sitcoms. Indeed, society today doesn't encourage people to even try to stay together and work out differences.
Whatever. It's an admirable goal.
Thank you for the kind words and good wishes, my friend.
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