All kids have illogical illusions picked up who-knows-where, but they shape their lives to greater or lesser degree. I am no different. Mine are beyond humorous-even hilarious, but were damaging never the less.
Somewhere, before eighth grade, I had read that a) Einstein had an IQ of 180, and b) one person with 180 could do more original work than four people of 170 IQ equipped with fully staffed labs. I have no idea how true this was, but I believed. I thought I would be the next Einstein. I did not tell anyone, of course, not wanting to be ridiculed.
Then, in eighth grade, an intern all smiles, tail wagging, imported good tidings of great joy, telling me what my IQ was. Let's just say, it was far short of even 170, and I did not have even one lab, staffed or otherwise. Though he thought he was doing great service, he crushed my future. Let's say, I have not recovered to this day. I mean, how does one gracefully give up being the next Einstein? I did so silently, but my insides were/are anything but graceful.
My second, great disillusionment tormented me starting tenth grade. I had decided that I would push all the boundaries and would always make the dean's list. With the first report card, I was dashed. I indeed scored high on everything but---physical education was a C! Turned out the Ph.D. coach who graded me didn't even know who I was, and graded me accordingly. Geez, I was a jock, and thought phys ed a "gimme." Later, when the head coach found out what had happened, it was too late to change it.
I was both too private a person to say anything to anyone and too immature to know how to handle it. The disillusionment was that "adults weren't." For some reason, long lost, I thought adults were these sage-like beings, wise beyond understanding. Obviously not!
Although it was best I experience this disillusionment early, I did not further conclude that becoming a sage being would still be a good goal for me, or analyze how to become so, or even how those who weren't weren't. I am just now getting around to it.
Today, of course, I realize that I can aspire to higher levels than society pushes one toward, and that society pushes against exceeding the level that is its norm. Then, I did not, and though I retained the outer veneer of having a high IQ and high self-esteem, inwardly I was at best traumatized for years.
These two illusions and the inevitable disappointments were to affect my future and do so even to this day. I shutter at their cost, but, as Tina would say, "Whose fault is that?" I know all too well; I don't project as well as I used to.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with you when I was like 12 or 13. I think it added up to that you told me I couldn't be an artist because I couldn't/wouldn't make any money. You told me the future was in computers. I was so upset about what you said I shut myself in my room for hours. A lot of my choices in my late teens and early twenties were to prove that opinion wrong, because it was undoubtebly a mistaken bunch of sassy malassy and I would def. be a successful artist one day.
ReplyDeleteAnd I still may.
Now that I am older I understand your practical advice, but I don't take it as desperately personally. I know, being the nice age of 25 (not too old to be a prude, not too young to be completely naive, although I will admit to it on occasion) that life is about the choices you make, and the integrity you maintain, to yourself and those dependent on you.
Cue Beauty School. I want to stay creative and use my aesthetic sense in my profession but am not ready to put the work in (and luck) that it will take to be truely successful as an artist (and as a speller). I don't really like that scene anyway, at least in Asheville.
The point is that life is about disappointments. But life is also about opportunities too. Life is a complicated mix of highs and lows. Isn't there a saying to not stare too long about the door that has shut, because you will miss another one opening.
I would also suggest a therapist. Your internal thoughts mirror mine in a lot of ways, a secret, dark internal struggle that you find is too private to share. I finally shared it, how do you think I learned how to confront people? Esp. about my needs being unmet. That was a big one and I have a learned a lot of hard lessons. Knowing when to say "Yes" and when to say "No" to yourself and those around you. Wow, what a concept -- what a technique I have only lately mastered!
Stop beating yourself up. Beating yourself up helps no one, esp. yourself. Ask yourself, "What do I want?"
And don't be afraid to answer.
My apologies for such practical advise. I would not do so, today, but would encourage you to follow your dreams. When Liz was troubling over Mom's advise to major in education so Li would always have a job, I advised Liz that she didn't have a car payment and Mom would feed her dog, so take what you want. Later, should she want to go into education, she could take the required courses as part of her Masters program, then teach with that degree for more money.
ReplyDeleteSo, somewhere in between, I've grown a bit.
You're the second person in the last few days to tell me to quit beating myself up, so I guess it's good advise. However, I am working on my shadow side, trying to air it, then eliminate it. Just not worrying about it and not looking back might also work. I'm really not worrying about it, and definitely not feeling woe-is-me; just taking inventory before moving forward, I think.
I think I've answered what I want; that's a future blog entry. Thanks for the good advise.
Glad you have cracked the Tinar code for knowing when to say "yes" and "no." Mastery of self is mastery of life. Excellent accomplishment; in fact, super.
Today, I advise, "Do what you want?" and especially "Follow your passion." The latter I must attribute to Joseph Campbell, who has more you would like; he sounds like you.
http://thinkexist.com/quotes/joseph_campbell/